Friday, 25 February 2011

Being preganate and becomming a mum.

It took 4 years of being on and off fertility drugs to fall pregnant I was on clomid 5 tablets a day for 7 days that was the max dose that you could take.  I was on that dose for 2 months at a time.  When I fell pregnant it was just after a 2 month dose and i was on the 2 month break from the drug.  We had decided after that lot of treatment to give all the drugs a break and not go on the next course of drugs. 

That course of clomid worked because the next month i fell pregnant.  People say they know when the moment of conception happened.  I knew within a week that i was.  I never took a home test till i was 5 weeks pregnant, I told my partner the father of the baby that i was pregnant and he never spoke to me for three days, on the third day he said to me i want to know for shore make a doctors appointment and he came with me, he was there when i had the blood test and was there when they told me i was defiantly pregnant.  i was so over the moon i was so happy, so i didn't know why he was so angry at me.

We never told any one till i was 12 weeks and then he started to get a bit better about the situation.  we had been together since 1992 and it was now 1998.  i fell in love with this man when i was 16 he was my world.  He started going out on Friday nights while i stayed home, he didn't want me to go, we started to fight all the time, screaming arguments. 

I ended up in hospital a couple of times once with bad cramping and another i tarted to bleed, they found that i had two big cysts that were on my tubes, the Dr told me no heavy lifting, strenuous work.  While i was in hospital he came to see me in the morning and that was it.  this was in the second trimester i had morning sickness (dont know why they call it that mine lasted all day, could not keep nothing down).

i thought that once the baby was born everything would be OK and get back to how things were.  Not the case.  told him one day that i had had enough of the fighting and was going home to have the baby with my family,  I got on a bus and went home.  While i was at home i developed bell's pallsey and he told me over the phone that he didn't want me to come back that to stay home, he didn't want me or the baby any more.  The stress that i was under sent me into early labour and my daughter was born 4 weeks early.

She was born what they call a blue baby (she was not breathing)  she never took a breath for 2min after she was born.  After that she was a healthy normal baby.

I loved being pregnant, after being told that i couldn't have any to having one a miracle had happened.

when i was able to get into contact with him to tell him he was a dad he never spoke to me he spoke to my mum he was happy.  when i spoke to him he told me to come out and he would sign the birth papers he told me not to bring our daughter out then cause he wanted me to pack the rest of my stuff up to take back with me.  i was not able to breast feed her so i left her with my mum when she was 4weeks old went out to where he was got the papers signed packed my stuff up, we had some major screaming matches.

when rose was 4months old he asked me to bring her out to him so that he could meet her,  so i did i thought that if he meet his daughter he would want us back.  And it seemed to he told me that he wanted us to get back together and raise our daughter together and he wanted to grow old with me.  We discussed that i would go back home pack my stuff up and we would move to townsville and start over there.  After i got home we would talk on the phone everyday make plans and after a week he stooped calling me everyday, he would call me every second day and if i rang him he would say he couldn't talk, by the forth week i asked him what was going on and he told me he meet someone else that it was over and he didn't want me or our daughter any more.  i found out that within 2years he married this other girl and had another child.

When i came home i couldn't look at my daughter it was evan like that when she was born i didn't want to nurse her bottle feed her or bath her.  i was living with my parents at the time and my mum took over she pushed me to feed her and take her but when other people offered to do it i never said no.  Any chance i had i would leave her and go off on weekends to rodeo's, any where that i could drink my pain away.  Started going to the club parties once a month on a Friday night,  would end up some where to drunk to know really.  i would ring my mum the next day and she would come and get me or i went to a friends place and not go home to the Sunday i would ring my mum and tell that i would not come home till Sunday.

When my daughter was 9months old my mum said to me it's time to grow up you are a mum you need to take care of this child she is yours, you are the mum i am the grandmother you need to move out and start a life with your daughter.  i knew she was right and it was time to take responsibility, moved into a 2bedroom flat, i had no car so i used to walk every where with rose in a pram.  So i was in this flat with this child going through the motions it looked happy on the out side but on the inside i was broken, angry and lonely. 

i have always known when it was time to move on this sense thing again.  i moved out of that flat to another town, i had a car by then started to go to tafe did a certificate 3 in business administration got a 12month traineeship at the State high school in that town.  i lived in that town for 4 years and then decided to move to another town, closer to where my parents lived.  i moved back in with them for 6months saved some money get a job working at a service station and moved into a small house up the road.  i did shift work so they helped me it look after rose while i worked. 

it was while i was working at this service station that i meet this wonderful lady and her family that change my life for ever.  i was talking to her one day and i said to her that i feel as though every body would be better off if i was no longer here, that i thought about driving my car into a pole or over the bridge by my self never with my daughter just me.  she grabbed me and dragged me to the doctors and made me told to him then and repeat what i said.  i was diagnosed with post-natal depression he wasted me how i was after the birth and how old she was,  i went 6years without being diagnosed,  i started anti-depression tablets and within 2 months i felt like this new person.

next post realising rose had adhd.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Fiona, I am so sorry about all of this. I am glad you are writing it down. Not to remember it, but to lay it to rest. Ray and I love you. xx