Thursday, 6 October 2011

Loosing my way

Loosing my way.

I thought that Jesus had given up on me.  Had turned his back on me, when in fact it was me who had done that to him.

Let me explain what has been going on.  At the beginning of the year I stated a new job and I loved it the money coming in I was able to get ahead and catch up on bills, I was able to start saving money and everything was going along perfect.  So I prayed my thanks to Jesus and I prayed that everything stay the same.  I got greedy and started to build up treasures on earth like money started to replace things that were perfectly fine with new things like a kettle that was noisy with a quieter kettle even though the old was fine I wanted a new one.  I started to stray away from gods path and things started to go wrong.

Things started to go wrong and fall apart in a big way.  I was fired from my job, my car blew the water pump cost me $780, my desk top computer needs repair, was told I need an MRI scan of my back cost $200 and little things.

When I look back on the last couple of months as to when things started to go wrong and I can tell you this it is when I turned my back on Jesus.  What was it that I did was break 3 of the most highly commands of god. 
1 thy shall not steal:  I stole for personal gain. Something that I am very ashamed about and why am I telling this it is because it had to do with being greedy.  The devil was telling me that it was ok to do it, it was a little thing but to the lord even though it was little to him it was a major thing.  
2 thy shall not lie:  I brought my self a diamond ring for my birthday and I decided to wear it on my left hand it was a commitment ring for me to me, like a purity ring, I had brought myself but what I did was lie about it.  I was hassled by this man when I was out and I told him NO to start with but he just kept going so in the end I told him I was engaged told to be nice be polite but it was a lie and no matter how you look at it the story behind the lie how you justify the lie it was a lie.
3 thy shall not take thy lords name in vain:  this is the hard one Jesus said spread the word in those month I never spoke praise about him talked about him never spread the word.  Never correct anybody who spoke badly about Jesus just let it happen and to me that is taking the lord in vain.  When I turned my back on the lord things started to go wrong in a very big way.

We all do things that doses not please the lord but for me breaking those 3 commands and reliesing what I had done when I had done it was a turning point.  I have asked for forgiveness every day when I pray.  I ask for the lord to show me a new path as the old was closed and I believe that he is showing me everyday the new way to be. 

When I was not with the lord in those months I felt alone, cold, sad, frightened and like darkness had come over me.  I was making all the wrong decisions and didn’t know it.  I was talking to a friend on the phone and I was complaing about what was going wrong and having a self-pity party all of a sodden I heard this voice and not of my friends it was Jesus and when I listened and he told me in a matter of seconds what I had done wrong. When I told my friend what had happened she was astounded I hung up and I went and prayed and had a very long conversation with Jesus and as I was talking to him and asking for forgiveness for the things that I had done, I had this felling of his presence come back over me it was like a warmth, calmness and he told me that he had a plan for me and in coming months he was going to show me so until then I will pray everyday for his forgiveness and I praise him.

Paslm 130 3:4
If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgivness, therefore you are feared.

Paslm 86 5:7
You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.  Hear my prayer, O Lord, listen to my cry for mercy.  In the day of my trouble i will call to you, for you will answer me.

Friday, 15 April 2011

Jesus with me this week.

To know that Jesus has been here with me all week and will be with for as long as I am here on earth is a very comforting thing.  I know that I am not alone no matter what the circumstance is.  He shows me the way in how to deal with things.  And when I pray and I ask he gives it to me.  I am grateful for all that he has done.

I have met another lovely family for church; Jesus puts people in your life that make your life better.

I had a very difficult day on work on Thursday and I prayed about it that night and asked Jesus to make Friday a better work day and he did.  I love my lord father very much he fills me with peace and calm.

Thursday, 7 April 2011



Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5, 6.

Lean on and trust in the Jesus and be confident with all your heart and mind.  Don’t rely on your own insight or instinct.  Acknowledge and recognize the Jesus and he will direct and make your path clear.

Commit your way to the lord; trust in him and will do this: He will make righteousness shine like the dawn.
Psalm 37:5, 6.

I have been thanking and acknowledging Jesus every night before I go to bed at night.  I have learnt that being grateful for what I have and what Jesus has provided for me more things are opening up for me.

I now have a job that I love and working the hours that are suited to me.  I asked Jesus to provide me with a job within the nursing profession but I could only work school hours, with his mercy within a month of me asking I was offered a job as a wound care nurse where I only work school hours.  Praise the lord.

I have also learnt Jesus doesn’t won’t me to babble on and on, saying empty words that mean nothing.  Words from the heart are more important.

This is one of my favorite bible passages I have it up in my bathroom and kitchen I read it everyday and it is so true.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
Matthew 7:7, 8.

Wednesday, 30 March 2011

Dyspraxia and Rose

Defination for dyspraxia from Mosby's Dictionary of Medicine, Nursing & Health Professions:-
Apartial loss of the ability to preform skilled, coordinated movements in the absence of any associated defect in motor sensory function.

A person with dyspraxia has problems with movement and coordination. It is also known as "motor learning disability". Somebody with dyspraxia finds it hard to carry out smooth and coordinated movements. Dyspraxia often comes with language problems, and sometimes a degree of difficulty with perception and thought. Dyspraxia does not affect a person's intelligence, but it can cause learning difficulties, especially for children.

Dyspraxia is also known as Developmental Co-ordination Disorder (DCD), Perceptuo-Motor Dysfunction, and Motor Learning Difficulties. The terms Clumsy Child Syndrome or Minimal Brain Damage are no longer used.
When Rose started talking I thought that she was a lazy talker because she would never say the her words properly.  I would never talk to her in what you would call baby talk I thought that taught her bad speaking habits.  It was frustrating to me that people would come up to me and say what is she saying because as her mum I knew what she was saying. 

Roes also was always falling over or running into things and what has amazed me to this day she has not had a broken bone.  So I know that Jesus is watching over her and is keeping her safe like he kept me safe as a young girl.  Like above people kept saying to me gee she is clumsy I would shrug it of and say that is just Roes.

It is hard but now when people say oh she cant run or cant speak properly or mixes words up I now say she has dyspraxia and is dylexica and she is perfect the way she is.

Jesus made her this way for a purpose and he has set out her path.      


Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Being Positive

Breaking the chain prom being negative to being positive.

It is hard to be positive and have a positive outlook on life with what is going on in the world. 

I know from personal experience that if you are around negative people they start to bring you down to where they are.  Some people do it so that they feel better about them self, some do it because that’s all they know.  When you have that mind set of I’m no good, I can’t do anything, why would they want to be around me, you put this energy out that other people can pick up.  Once you let the negativity take over and it can happen very quickly you are open for the devil to come in and take hold.  The devil thrives in these conditions.  These people can suck your life energy right out of you and you start to feel that way as well. 

I had to stop contact with certain people in my life and some of them were family members because they were negative and nasty people and every time I was around them I would come away drained, tired and emotionally spent.  These people were not Godly people.  They also used to come at me and take all there problems out on me.  So they used to go away from me feeling good and I was left in a heap. 

I say to people that when you surround yourself with negative and nasty people it starts to rub of on you.

That goes the same for if you surround your self with ungodly people you start to question your faith.

I’m not saying to stop contact with your ungodly friends but from my experience and being new to my faith I have to limit myself with the amount of contact that I do have.  2 Timothy 2:16 Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.

Being positive and staying positive is hard the devil doesn’t like people that way.  God never said the walk in his light and faith would be easy but when you do life is so much better and happier.  I have found that out.  My walk with god has opened so many doors and has brought some of the loveliest people into my life.  So be strong, you are never alone, god is by your side always.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Teenagers Fighting

This morning i was on my way to an appointment up the main street of town, when i heard these teenage girls yelling, swearing so i stooped to see what the noise and yelling was about and what i witnessed shocked me.  I was shocked that all i did was stand and watch saying to my self lord am I really seeing what I'm seeing.

This is what i saw:  A mum and daughter were walking down the street and this young teenager about 13-14 was following them yelling abuse at this other young girl also about 13-14, the mum (i suspect was the mum) kept trying to make the young girl with her to keep walking, when this girl turned to this other girl in language that i will not repeat to go away and turned and started to walk away then this other girl came running up behind this other girl and hit her, pushed her on the ground then there was punches and hair pulling the mum was trying to get them apart, I was going to help then out of now where all these other teenagers came running so I called the police.  It was aver in about 10 mim.

As this was happening i kept thinking to my self why are these kids not in school.  What sort of up bringing are they getting. 

I waited to talk to the police and as i was these girls that started were saying that it was the other girl that started it and that the mum was punching her and so on, first i was not going to say anything and when i heard what they were saying i thought no that is not true they were flat out lying and i knew that i had to tell the police what i saw and how they started it. 

i believe that children, teen's and younger adults need Jesus in there lives and without him they are like lost sheep.  I even believe that for adults.

Children and Parents
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise.
That it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.
Father (Parents), do not exasperate your children, instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the lord.

I have this written up in my bathroom so that my daughter and myself read it when we go to the toilet.  It reminds me of how to be a good parent.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Relising Rose was ADHD and dyslexic

It was hard to say it but i knew that something was not right because when i hit that terrible 2 stage well they said that she would grow out of it, well she never did. 

Rose stooped sleeping through the day when she was 12months old no matter what i did she stooped during the day,  Then still she would not go to sleep till about 8-9at night.  When she started eating solid foods i new just certain things would make her more over active.

I remember quiet clearly and i will never forget it, my sister and bother in law was watching her cause i just need a night off and they loved having her over she was about 3and a half 4 and they were bringing her back on the Sunday afternoon and she had a cough so they were told that licorice was good to relieve the cough so they gave her some.  it was on the way to drop her off i lived half hour away and they gave her some as they left there place.  so when they got to my place she was happy it was about 4 in the afternoon so we played had a bath and tea and by 8pm she was just bouncing off the wall i rang my sister and asked what they gave her and how much, she had 2-3 sticks of licorice and by 10 that night she was still going i lock that house up like fort knocks and i had to let her wear her self out i dozed on and off on the lounge and at 1 in the morning i was able to get her to lie down next to me on my bed and she fell asleep.  and to this day  i wont let her eat it. 

i never deprived her of lollies and soft drink but it was a treat to get them a once a week treat when we went and done the shopping.

I thought that was how kids were that it was normal behaviour. 

It got to a point where i could not handle it any more and i though that it was me and my parenting.  When rose started prep in that first week of school i was called to the office 3 times i was so embarrassed.  She would throw her self down on the ground if she didn't get her way (when she did that at home i would just walk away and ignore her but at school they couldn't) or she would walk out of the class room and go play in the sandpit.  This was the point that when her teachers and principal and I were discussing her and they told me to get a Dr opinion which i did.  She was refereed to a pediatrician and we changed her diet no processed foods no sugar and it was hard at first but we got there, and it did work for about a year we put her on a natural drug called afalex that worked for about 6 months.  Then nothing worked diet natural stuff and it got to a point where i had enough the school had enough so i went back to the doctor and they put her on Ritalin and what a different kid a complete change. she was on 1 10mg tablet a day over six months she was on 2 10mg tables one in the morning and one at lunch time.  What i found hard was she had a teacher that didn't like this drug so she wouldn't give it to her and i knew when i picked her up that she didn't have her tablet and i went and spoke to her about it and she refused to give it to her so i went and spoke to her doctor again and we put her on Ritalin la that is a 8hr acting tablet which got her through school but by the time she got home the drug wore off and that was fine i knew how to handle her but to get her homework done was impossible.  so i never made her do homework and i went and told her teacher that i would not make rose do homework so they were fine with that.  Now that rose is older and to help her with getting homework done she is now on concetra which is a 12hr acting tablet. 

About a year ago i realised that rose was dyslexic, had audio processing difficulties and was dyspraxic as well.  i had rose properly diagnosed through the dyslexic center of Australia and it is more common for boys to have adhd and rose is one of the girls,  when she was diagnosed with adhd they told me it would be very unlikely for rose to have adhd, dyslexia, audio processing and dyspraxica.  i was told that adhd is genetically passed on and so is dyslexia so rose gets her adhd from her father and dyslexia from me her mum.  Dyspracica is a slightly from of brain damage it is caused by the birth and where the baby is born not breathing. 

i will go more into each one adhd, dyslexic, dyspraxica and audio processing.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Being preganate and becomming a mum.

It took 4 years of being on and off fertility drugs to fall pregnant I was on clomid 5 tablets a day for 7 days that was the max dose that you could take.  I was on that dose for 2 months at a time.  When I fell pregnant it was just after a 2 month dose and i was on the 2 month break from the drug.  We had decided after that lot of treatment to give all the drugs a break and not go on the next course of drugs. 

That course of clomid worked because the next month i fell pregnant.  People say they know when the moment of conception happened.  I knew within a week that i was.  I never took a home test till i was 5 weeks pregnant, I told my partner the father of the baby that i was pregnant and he never spoke to me for three days, on the third day he said to me i want to know for shore make a doctors appointment and he came with me, he was there when i had the blood test and was there when they told me i was defiantly pregnant.  i was so over the moon i was so happy, so i didn't know why he was so angry at me.

We never told any one till i was 12 weeks and then he started to get a bit better about the situation.  we had been together since 1992 and it was now 1998.  i fell in love with this man when i was 16 he was my world.  He started going out on Friday nights while i stayed home, he didn't want me to go, we started to fight all the time, screaming arguments. 

I ended up in hospital a couple of times once with bad cramping and another i tarted to bleed, they found that i had two big cysts that were on my tubes, the Dr told me no heavy lifting, strenuous work.  While i was in hospital he came to see me in the morning and that was it.  this was in the second trimester i had morning sickness (dont know why they call it that mine lasted all day, could not keep nothing down).

i thought that once the baby was born everything would be OK and get back to how things were.  Not the case.  told him one day that i had had enough of the fighting and was going home to have the baby with my family,  I got on a bus and went home.  While i was at home i developed bell's pallsey and he told me over the phone that he didn't want me to come back that to stay home, he didn't want me or the baby any more.  The stress that i was under sent me into early labour and my daughter was born 4 weeks early.

She was born what they call a blue baby (she was not breathing)  she never took a breath for 2min after she was born.  After that she was a healthy normal baby.

I loved being pregnant, after being told that i couldn't have any to having one a miracle had happened.

when i was able to get into contact with him to tell him he was a dad he never spoke to me he spoke to my mum he was happy.  when i spoke to him he told me to come out and he would sign the birth papers he told me not to bring our daughter out then cause he wanted me to pack the rest of my stuff up to take back with me.  i was not able to breast feed her so i left her with my mum when she was 4weeks old went out to where he was got the papers signed packed my stuff up, we had some major screaming matches.

when rose was 4months old he asked me to bring her out to him so that he could meet her,  so i did i thought that if he meet his daughter he would want us back.  And it seemed to he told me that he wanted us to get back together and raise our daughter together and he wanted to grow old with me.  We discussed that i would go back home pack my stuff up and we would move to townsville and start over there.  After i got home we would talk on the phone everyday make plans and after a week he stooped calling me everyday, he would call me every second day and if i rang him he would say he couldn't talk, by the forth week i asked him what was going on and he told me he meet someone else that it was over and he didn't want me or our daughter any more.  i found out that within 2years he married this other girl and had another child.

When i came home i couldn't look at my daughter it was evan like that when she was born i didn't want to nurse her bottle feed her or bath her.  i was living with my parents at the time and my mum took over she pushed me to feed her and take her but when other people offered to do it i never said no.  Any chance i had i would leave her and go off on weekends to rodeo's, any where that i could drink my pain away.  Started going to the club parties once a month on a Friday night,  would end up some where to drunk to know really.  i would ring my mum the next day and she would come and get me or i went to a friends place and not go home to the Sunday i would ring my mum and tell that i would not come home till Sunday.

When my daughter was 9months old my mum said to me it's time to grow up you are a mum you need to take care of this child she is yours, you are the mum i am the grandmother you need to move out and start a life with your daughter.  i knew she was right and it was time to take responsibility, moved into a 2bedroom flat, i had no car so i used to walk every where with rose in a pram.  So i was in this flat with this child going through the motions it looked happy on the out side but on the inside i was broken, angry and lonely. 

i have always known when it was time to move on this sense thing again.  i moved out of that flat to another town, i had a car by then started to go to tafe did a certificate 3 in business administration got a 12month traineeship at the State high school in that town.  i lived in that town for 4 years and then decided to move to another town, closer to where my parents lived.  i moved back in with them for 6months saved some money get a job working at a service station and moved into a small house up the road.  i did shift work so they helped me it look after rose while i worked. 

it was while i was working at this service station that i meet this wonderful lady and her family that change my life for ever.  i was talking to her one day and i said to her that i feel as though every body would be better off if i was no longer here, that i thought about driving my car into a pole or over the bridge by my self never with my daughter just me.  she grabbed me and dragged me to the doctors and made me told to him then and repeat what i said.  i was diagnosed with post-natal depression he wasted me how i was after the birth and how old she was,  i went 6years without being diagnosed,  i started anti-depression tablets and within 2 months i felt like this new person.

next post realising rose had adhd.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

How I grew up.

I never grew up in a Christian home.  We never went to church never spoke about God, Jesus or anything to do with religion.  We were brought up with right and wrong and good and bad,  we had a choice about going to religious education (RE) our patents told us that it was up to us if we wanted to go or not.  There were three of us plus our parents.  I was born in 1976 and i am the oldest.  Even my aunts, unckel's and cusisions wernt religious people.  As they would say the only time that any of the family went to church was if it was for a wedding, funeral,or a christening.  Christmas was all about presents and the man in the red suit,  i remember it was a time for the adults to drink alcohol and kids playing, learnt at school that it was when Christ was born,  Easter was all about how much chocolate you got from the Easter bunny.

Grew up in a small country town where every body new everybody and you were safe to walk up the street at the age of 7.

I was always trying to belong to something if it wasn't  some sporting team i played hockey, basketball, and did pony club, was trying to belong to a group of something i tried nerds not that i was a brainy kid i couldn't read properly or write properly or spell so i was classed as a dumb kid  got bullied so i got a bad attitude and joined the bad group at school started smoking, swearing, rebellious attitude, i was easily lead along. Back in the eighties when i was at high school i got bullied so badly that i would wag school, skip classes,  then i started fighting,  i would get sent to the office for bad mouthing to a teacher i knew the school rules of by heart cause i had to right them out so much the ladies in the office knew me by name so i was dealing with all this at school and then at home was not easy i coped some good floggings when i was younger (bad attitude towards everybody).  im not froud of it now when i look back on it but is was the only way i knew how to deal with it all.

I never had a close relationship with my dad i was more closer to my mum but as i have grown up things have changed.  i left home when i was 16 and went and worked out on stations (in the USA you call them ranches) i was a jilaroo that is when i learnt to work hard long days got up at 4am finished work at 8pm.  The station was 30km to a Pub/hotel so after work we would drive to the pub drink alcohol till 2-3am then head home to get maybe an hour or two of sleep then start the day all over again sometimes the boss told us we had to stay in cause we had 2000/3000 head of cattle to put through the cattle yards.  Grew up real fast out there lost my bad attitude meet a boy and fell in love and i thought to my self is this what i have been looking for all this time the love of a man.   When i was 18 i told him that i needed a break and that i needed to find myself could not quite understand what i was talking about at the time, i just knew that something was missing in my life. 

I always had this sense about when something was really wrong when not to do something, it was like an invisible wall to stop me (i know what it was now that kept me safe)  i went back to the man i fell in love with and got engaged never married we tried to start a family and after 2 years of trying and nothing happened went to doctors and found out that i had PCOS(poly-cystic ovarian syndrome)  i was told that i was infertile that i was lucky to produce an egg once a year,  it was had to deal with at the time,  we never gave up went on fertility drugs and then we just stoped trying.

i was sitting under a tree by my self one day and i hear this voice in my head i remember to this day what it said,  You will have a baby but you will end up raising it by your self,  i brushed it off and thought yeah right, then in 1998 i fell pregnant when i told my partner he never spoke to me for three days.

stay tuned for the next installment being pregnate and  becoming a mum.

My First Blog

I am new to blogging, i had a friend tell that what i have to say or write could help other people if other people will read what i have to say.

I will talk about different topics about what i am dealing with at the time. I will talk about my past and what i went through and how your past makes you the person that you are today.   i will talk about how my new journey with Jesus going and what has happened to me since i have found my faith with Jesus.  i will share my favorite bible scriptures and what it is that is coming from my heart. 

if you are reading this and it sounds all funny that is because that I am dyslexic, so I will do my best to edit everything before i publish it.

i will talk about what it like to have a child that has ADHD/dyslexic/dyspracia and audio processing, the issues that i deal with and how i deal with them, the things that i have tried and worked and the things that i have tried and have not worked.

so stay tuned.